In the process of stressing over turning 30, a lot of things in my life took a hit. My house because cluttered, I hate clutter. I wasn't the mom I wanted to be, again - how fair is that to my kids? They didn't ask to have a mom like me. I was treating people not the way they should be treated, and not the way I wanted to treat them.
One day, when I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself, wondering when my time for happiness would come around. It hit me! Happiness would never, E-V-E-R come to me unless I made it happen. Sure, some things in life just happen, but for the most part you need to make it happen! Some might say you're the luckiest person in the world to win the lottery, but had YOU never got up, gone to the store and BOUGHT the ticket, it never would have happened! That day I decided to kick everything that wasn't making me happy.
I had been doing home daycare for 5 years. I started when Bear was just shy of 1. I LOVED it! It was great, he had little friends that came over and played every day. I got to be the mom I wanted to be, make some money to help with family expenses and still let him have the social experiences that we felt were important for children. I was actually asked to go back to my old work when I was first pregnant with Monkey, and flat out refused because I was loving what I was doing. When Monkey was born I took 12 weeks off. My plan was 6, but he was a bit of a crier, and I was hoping we could get past that before we had kids come back. But we didn't! I wasn't liking it as much. I was tired, I had an infant that I was always trying to juggle with my own toddler and a handful of everyone else's toddlers. It was really hard. As time went on, the love wasn't coming back. But I was doing it for the kids. So they would still have their play time with friends, and so I could still make money to the fun things in life with them. As time marched on, I noticed my kids starting to feel the way I was about having other kids here. They didn't always want to share their toys with kids that were just wrecking them. I don't blame them. I was getting sick of buying nice toys for my kids, just to have someone else's kid ruin them. They didn't want to play with certain kids who they didn't like. I found my two kids going off to their bedrooms to play with each other. I was totally detached from their lives. Missing out on the moments that were so important. Missing out on them building a life long friendship. Missing out the reason why I stayed home in the first place. I didn't want that! Early this Spring, I decided that that was enough, I was going to quit doing daycare. No one was liking it, it was interfering with my kids lives and activities.
This past week, I said goodbye to the kids and the families who I loved so dearly. They were awesome. They totally supported me and understood whey I was done. In turn, this week I was able to go to Bear's Kindergarten graduation, his school play day, and his year end school trip, and help with Monkey's preschool's graduation, even though he wasn't a graduate, I was able to just go and help, so the parents there could enjoy and watch their kids. I'm looking forward to helping out at Bear's school next year. Being able to go in and volunteer for different programs that I haven't been able to for the last two years because I've been tired down with other people's kids. I'm looking forward to being a backup teacher at Monkey's preschool! Able to go and help in the classroom when one of the teachers is away. Something I haven't been able to do in the 4 years I've been involved in the preschool.
In the past few years my house has taken a toll. It's become cluttered and disorganized. Which isn't me, I've always felt there's a place for everything, and everything needs to be in it's place. Which hasn't been my house for sometime. With mess comes chaos and chaos breeds chaos. This spring we rented a dumpster and we just started to throw away stuff that we didn't need, was broken, or just weren't using. Don't worry, nothing that could have been any use to anyone else hit the dump! We still have a ways to go, but I do feel more at ease in my home.
I've also decided to set an hour a day for me time. I can't tell you how exhausting it can be to spend from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep taking care of everyone else. I know how this is going to sound, but I couldn't even find time in the day sometimes to get a shower in. I would shower right before I would go to bed because that was the only time I would have free time. I would wake up in the morning with a hot mess on my head from tossing and turning all night with wet hair. So whether it's to shower, or meditation, exercising (which is also a goal for me, to exercise more) I'm taking an hour!
Now I'm not saying this is the answer for everyone. But it's the answer for us. We're not going to have the nicest, trendiest house on the block, but we're going to have peace and happiness. Don't worry, we're not on our way to the poor house. Getting rid of the unhappy in my life isn't going to break us. At the end of the day, on the grand scale of your life, does any of that really matter? Or is what's pictured below what really matters? For everyone the answer if different. For me the answer was very clear. Life is to short just to live life. I want to experience it, and I want them all to experience it too.
